I have alot going on in my life all the time.

In my mind, I long for a time when I can sit in the sun on a rocking chair and read while sipping iced tea or homemade lemonade. I relish memories of a long ago time that I’ve never even experienced. A simpler time when you could trust the people around you, and leave your doors unlocked. Where you know your neighbors and they look after your place while you’re traveling, mowing the lawn and collecting the mail so that your place looks inhabited. This is the kind of place I come from, where you know your neighbors, you may not like them, but you know that if you truly needed help, they’d be there without question.

When I graduated college, I chose to move as far away from my family as I could. I ended up in San Francisco, CA. I briefly considered moving to Japan, cause it was even farther away, but my lack of interest in Asian men kept me from making that leap. Settling in San Francisco was a major culture shock and one that took many years to adjust to. I was less educated, less affluent, and less experienced than most people that I met. I was the little town boy that landed in the large city and hoped to fit in. I lived in SF for over 11 years and I never truly felt at home. Oh, I loved the Bay Area and still call it home though I’ve been in Chicago for over 3 years now. But to really feel at home is something that I’ve never really been able to master. Growing up gay in small town America, I longed for the life in a big city where there were other people like me. Once I made it to big city life, I missed the slower pace and simpler life of the small town. I’ve never really felt like I fit in.

Where is this all going? I don’t really know. So I’ll go on to the subject that the entry is titled…

I’m going camping with my family. I’m hoping that I can make it thru the experience without reverting to the feelings I had when I was twelve.

So I guess, I’m standing on the threshold of hope. Hope that my family will one day (meaning very very soon) come to accept me and my life and my loves without judgment, without fear, and embrace me for who and what I am.

But my biggest fear is that they will continue to be exactly like they are and make their attempts to force me into the roll that they feel comfortable with.