I whipped myself into a panic attack today. Its very difficult for me to accomplish this feat and when I do and it has passed, I’m often very impressed with the intensity of my own mind-fuck. I sat at my computer and convinced myself that I would soon be out of a job and thereby out on the street turning tricks for food and a chance to plug into the net and upload my blog. I imagined myself hanging out in the public library reading blogs all day to pass the time until I needed to head back to the shelter and fight for a bunk to sleep in. On the plus side, I’d be fabulously thin because most homeless people are. C’MON! I’m sure I’m not the only one that has whispered under my breath “thin bitch” as a sinewy man walks by in clothes obviously from a better time.

All of this because within 2 months I’ll have been at my job for a year and I haven’t met my sales numbers yet. Of course there is more to it than this. I have half a mind to place some scrutiny onto Miss Cleo’s reading yesterday. She’s the one that whipped up my imagination into the grand “walk-a-bout(tm)”. But ultimately, I need to reflect upon my own actions over the past 10-20 years.

You see, if I truly want to get to the bottom of things, I need to look back to high school when I was offered a chance to skip ahead a year in Math. My parents were dead set against it. This was just another notch in the belt of defeat they’d manage to wrap around my heart while growing up.

Their lack of faith in my abilities, and lack of support for my dreams managed to take the wind out of my sails in ways I’d never comprehend until just recently.

Of course, I failed miserably at Math. Not right away, in fact, I excelled for a few years until I hit Calculus. Due to my failure in math, my dream career of being a Navel Architect (yeah designing ships) was no longer an option and I never had a second option in the wings to fall back on.

Thank god for the whole alumni college acceptance policy or I’d never have gone to college. I humbly accepted the offer from my father’s alma matter and entered college in the innocuous transportation field. Its in this capacity that I’ve languished for the past 15 years.

I agreed to this field thinking maybe I could be a male version of Julie McCoy, (Welcome aboard. Your room is on the Lido deck, thru those doors and down 3 flights. enjoy your cruise). I fantasized about that clipboard when I signed on to this college fiasco. But!!! I do have a degree. and I thank my parents for that.

But today, I was sitting here panicked because I’ve been in an industry that is decidedly blue-collar and anything but glamourous. I have very little contact with anything creative and have no passion in my job. And when you’re in sales, that comes across, so I feel like I’m in this self-defeating cycle that is tightening around my neck.

My last job was hell so I took a considerable pay cut to leave and now I’m struggling financially, this affects my self-worth, which affects my ability to be positive and upbeat and secure enough to hit up strangers for business. All this, in turn, makes it hard to get new business and meet my numbers, which perpetuates my situation.

ya know what… lets just blame Miss Cleo.

I’m gonna go back and read some blogs and pretend that I’m thin.