I’m at a cross roads of sort. I have realized that my life is in need of something. That I am in need of something. That something would be self-awareness and direction. I’m not quite sure of who I am anymore. The values and beliefs are not working for me anymore. The views and thoughts are stifling me in repressed fears and emotions. I’m drowning in self-doubt and choking on denial.

This would be a great place to cue the montage. You know, where I figure out what I want, and the camera shows brief glimpses of me putting my life together and succeeding in whatever it is that I’m doing (Skiing, that big test, etc…) Wouldn’t it be nice if I could cue that montage for my life?

But…

The montage can only be cued when the direction and need has been identified. That my friends is much harder to accomplish when you have 30(ahem) plus years of repressed emotions bubbling up. Years of wrapping myself in the comfort of my failures and mishaps have made me gun shy. Decades of enveloping my emotions in the voices of my detractors and bullys has left me without my own voice.

I’ve lived my life in fear. Fear of shining lest I attract attention. Fear of failing, lest I receive confirmation of my worst fears.

I’m tired of blaming this on others. Yes the Mother was critical. Yes the Father was distant. Shouldn’t I be able to rise above it? Shouldn’t I be capable of discarding other peoples pre-conceived notions of who and what I am, how I am supposed to behave and who I’m supposed to love. Why do I continue to hold onto the dream, as faded and worn as a flag that has endured years in the elements, of familial acceptance and love? I think its comfort.

Well, tonight I did something uncomfortable. And it still doesn’t feel very good but I have to trust in my decision because I made it. I chose the destination at this fork. And it feels crappy.