the indignity of it all…

i had my colonoscopy procedure today. I spent all day yesterday “preparing”, but I will not go into specifics on that topic. This morning at 10:00am i checked into the hospital and was quickly processed into a waiting room where I was instructed to strip, put on the gown and crawl into the bed.

The nurse returned and checked my vitals and inserted an IV containing fluids to replenish my system. I laid there for a half hour watching the slow drip, drip, drip of the fluid into the IV, convinced that there had been an error and this was poison dripping directly into my blood stream.

After a half hour, the nurse advised that the Doctor would be in shortly, so I asked for the TV to be turned on, you know, jerry Springer, or Ricki Lake. I was happy with Judge Joe Brown. Halfway thru the case, they came for me and wheeled me down the hall to the procedure room.

They strapped on the sensors, the oxygen tubes, and the blood pressure cuff. Next the lovely nurse, that spoke a lot like Cher, (during her early years on TV) injected the sedative… “is that big bubble supposed to be in that tube”? I asked

Both the nurse and Doctor (Persian Ass Master) calmed my fears and told me the bubble would need to be much larger to kill someone. I started to explain that I knew what was going on, cause damn it I watched ‘ER’. I’m not sure how long it was before I woke up, but I did and the nurse was there handing me a cup of Cranberry juice and Graham Crackers. Telling me to get up and get dressed she went about removing the IV and all the tape and sensors attached to my body.

I dressed and wobbled my way to the hall where I was directed to sit and wait for the Doctor. This is the funny part.

He walked up to me with a smile on his face and handed me the photos of my procedures that I had apparently asked for, no demanded, during the process. He said “I didn’t have a CD to put this on, so you’ll have to scan it in order to post this to your blog.

embarrassed, I made my way down to meet my ride home.