I was going to take a few days break from writing, but stumbled upon a very interesting thought as I was looking at porn on the local gay hook up site last night.

Porn has ruined me.

I spend an inordinate amount of time thru-out my days and evenings looking at finely sculpted male bodies, some covered with hair, others shaved smooth. The main purpose of these sites being to advertise oneself to others with the intent of actually having a face-to-face encounter and doing what normal, healthy gay men do when they get together. Have sex.

But for me its something else entirely. I enjoy the male form to such an extent that I do not want my perception (read “fantasy”) of the person behind the thickly muscled bodies to have a real personality and therefore the very thought of meeting that person is out of the question. I would rather spend hours just looking from a distance, safe in my little world, from having yet another fantasy man ruined when he opens his mouth and a finely sequined silk clutch tumbles forth or he walks up to me with such a swish to his hips that I fear weather patterns will be affected worldwide.

There was a man I once worshiped from a distance when I lived in San Francisco. I nicknamed him “God” because for all intensive purposes, to me, he was the ideal. He was tall (almost reaching my height), dark featured and muscular. He was Hispanic and wore his clothes so tight that there was no need to see him naked to know that he was not only exquisitely muscled, but, ahem, also very appealing in the stallion department. I refused to approach or meet this person, and on several occasions when our paths were inextricably crossed, I found a way to avoid the meeting. This went on for about 6 years until I found myself face-to-face with “God” holding out his beefy hand to introduce himself to me.

“Hi, my name is David” he said while pumping my hand. His voice deep and thick with masculinity.

I think I squealed with excitement that for once, my fantasy expectations were not let down when we met in person. In my excitement, I’m sure that I, however, confirmed his fears.

Meet you in person?

No thank you, I’d rather not risk it again. I’ll stay home with my internet porn and peruse the pictures, establishing personalities and life stories (involving golden retrievers and cabins on pristine country lakes) that suit my needs.