It’s been a few days since I’ve posted and the only excuse I can give is that my mind has been elsewhere. Well, in one specific spot. A little lower… lower. there ya go!

I’ve been obsessed with getting some, ahem, attention.

I was going to write about my trip to St. Louis, but there has been something more pressing on my mind this week. I’m actually starting to worry about my sanity lately. It seems that I’m addicted to my Internet connection. I don’t want to be too far away from it for fear that I’ll miss something, an e-mail, a breaking news story, a really nice dick shot on my favorite porn site. It has started to control taken over my life.

I took a step back from things to try to gather my thoughts (which is why I haven’t written) and it hit me. I’m lost.

Remembering all the fun I had in St. Louis and all the adventures I enjoyed with my friends throughout the years has painfully illuminated my current situation. I am alone in so many ways that I’ve been trying to run away from the feelings for the past 3 weeks (at least).

I miss my friends. I miss the little brown one, I miss KK, I miss the Padre, and I even miss Joe from time to time. I’ve not had a whole lot of close friends in my life, partly because I’m the slowest to let people get close to me, and partly because I tend to isolate myself, so when the few friends that I have are thousands of miles away from me, it affects me tremendously.

Over the years, I’ve managed to bury these emotions, in alcohol, in drugs, in sex, in shopping and now in the Internet.

I think its time to stop running. Its time to stop being afraid. Its time to figure out why.

Or maybe I need to move.

Or maybe I need to sit still and be with my thoughts, without outside interference.

When I first moved to St. Louis, I dated a wonderful man named Ed who is no longer with us. Ed passed away many years ago of AIDS and his death was the closest loss I had due to the disease. I will always remember the telephone call. I was sitting at the dinning room table when TL (my partner of 5 years) came in and handed me the phone telling me that it was some woman calling about a guy named Ed.

He held me that night. We lay on the bed and he held me while I cried.