This weekend in Phoenix, Arizona i attended a party with John and Jason at the McMansion, a beautifully ostentatious manse in the hills above Scottsdale (but below Frank Lloyd Wright) that boasted of a master bedroom suite the size of my 2 bedroom apartment in Chicago.

The pretty people were out in force, decked out in shiny shoes and fashionable button down shirts from the main gay stores , and I started feeling very self-conscious, fat, poor, and ugly.

Earlier in the day, we’d gone shopping for something to wear to the party. I searched the racks, the stacks and the stockrooms for a pair of pants that fit me. Apparently, in Arizona at least, you can be short and fat, but not tall and fat, and since I couldn’t locate a single pair of pants longer then the 32″ inseam in my required (but hopefully temporary) 38″ waist, I was forced to find a pair that I could at least pull off.

You see, I’m 6’5” and 235 lbs.. There! I’ve said it for the whole world (or at least my tens of readers) to read in all its ugliness and shame.

I’ve been slowly gaining weight since moving to Chicago. My life has become sedentary and my eating habits horrid. I adore fast food and do very little in the means of exercise, so I have no one to blame but myself. But my question has been of late… what happened to me?

I used to hang out with active people that would do things other than just go drinking and carousing (although I do adore those activities). I rode in 2 California AIDS Rides (well, one and a half due to an injury) and I was well known and i believe well liked by people. I knew famous people, and artists and thinkers and “Doers”.

Since I’ve moved to Chicago though, I’ve not met that many similar people and I’ve ended up spending alot of time alone. It shows in my work performance and my general happiness in my current life.

In other words, something is not right in my life but I can’t quite put my finger on was that means.

Now, I’m not putting blame anywhere except on myself, but I think that the people I’ve been choosing to spend my time with are not exactly conducive to the life I’m searching for. The activities I’ve chosen to fill my time are not moving me forward, but anchoring me to my past habits of denial and self-destruction.

in my head and in my heart, I know what I must do, but the disconnect happens right there. Knowing and doing are two different things.

I know, for instance, that I shouldn’t drink and carouse (though, as previously stated, i adore these activities).
I know that I shouldn’t eat fast food then merely consider the act of exercise. (though the #8 from BK is an easy alternative to real food, especially if you ask them to throw some cheese on it)
I know that I should push myself towards great goals and heights of self advancement and growth.
I know that I should learn more and watch less television.
I know that porn will rot my brain and dull my interest (not to mention destroy my body image).
I know that I am capable of achieving so much more with my life than I currently am.
I know that whatever choices I made after my 21st birthday when i moved out to California can not be blamed on my parents (shadowed by, but not blamed).
I know that I’ve made errors in judgments based upon fears and perceptions that are a reality only to me.

I know this and so much more, but the disconnect still occurs. I know what I know. I know what I’ve learned. I know that therapy was an amazing tool for me that helped me to understand where my life veered off course and what continues to color my choices and actions, but I’m still not sure how to get back on course and strive for more in my life.

I used to rely on my circle of friends. I used to rely on people that were actively reaching for the brass ring, and self improvement. Maybe it was all the tofu in San Francisco, but there was an energy of awareness in California that I’ve not been able to replace in the midwest. This is not another post slamming Chicago because I’ve realized that Chicago is what it is (a saying that irks me to no end because the cowboy used it when he broke up with me). I’ve realized that Chicago is a beautiful, vibrant and interesting city. Its also not right for me the way my life currently stands.

I need a change in me. I need a change in my scenery. I need a change in my thought process.

Yeah, its time for a Montage…