I had an interesting conversation with The Little Brown One a few minutes ago that kind of put my current dilemma into perspective. There was this crazy woman in San Francisco named “Rebecca” that had a unique philosophy about people. (She also threw an amazing White Trash Themed Party that has left an indelible mark on my soul.) Her philosophy is that you’re either a SUCKER or a BLOWER.

If you’re a sucker, you tend to suck the life force out of people, always taking, always making things about yourself while showing only rudimentary interest in other people’s lives. The crisis talk is always about you, about your life and about your needs. You take. You take energy to deal with. You take energy to be with. You take and you take and when there is no more to take, you move on to the next victim to wait for the first to recover.

If you’re a blower, you give. Your heart is open and full of love to give. You mentor, you calm, you nurture and empathize. You listen with your entire being because its what is needed of you and its what you have to give. Your guidance is usually top notch and filled with the spirit and wisdom, garnered from your own experiences and the lives of those around you. You are a well of strength others draw from.

Most people hover someplace in the middle, jumping from side to side given the needs of their current situation.

Living in San Francisco all those years allowed me the perspective to see both categories of people living and loving. The energy of the area is infused with positive energy and hope towards the future. I can’t really put it into words other than to say, if you calm yourself and allow yourself to feel the energy of the Bay Area, there is no way you cannot be inspired to greatness, however you measure it.

When I moved to Chicago, I did so on an impulse. I was living in a temporary hotel near O’Hare International Airport within one month of being offered the position that brought me here. Everything happened very quickly. One day I was thinking about biking across the Golden Gate Bridge the following weekend, the next, I was planning a going-away party to say “Good Bye” to my friends instead of the bike ride. The whole thing left me reeling.

Jump ahead 4 years to the recent posts on this here website. The talk of moving to San Francisco, of leaving Chicago and the cold behind to return to my beloved city by the bay.

I returned from San Francisco irritable. I snapped at everything, I was depressed, I started to over-eat to fill the void I’ve felt in my heart. Yeah I know, food fills the stomach, not the heart. details! Today, while talking with TLBO it hit me. I can’t move. I’m not done here in Chicago yet. Something brought me here. Something I’ve yet to figure out.

The Republican has been going through hell the past few weeks, the move, the breakup, the business crap, there’s more, but I needn’t get into it. She started taking from me. My energy, my empathy, my time, my ear and my heart. My heart leapt out to her in her time of need. I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to make it all ok. I wanted to be the strength she needed for this event in her life, as others were there for me when it happened to me. (Damn you Cowboy!!) I got the urge to move there, and quickly, to be with her, to be a friend to her. I can’t do that though. Because to do that, would make my life not OK.

I’m very lonely here in Chicago. I have friends. Good friends. But alot of them lately have become “Suckers”, sucking the very life out of me. My spirit is tired. I don’t sleep. I don’t dream. I’m too busy recovering from the drama in other people’s lives to have the energy to get through my own problems and crisis. I never seem to have time to have a break-down of my own and when I do, there is nobody there to listen to me. When Do I get to have the support?

I love them too much to hurt them and not be available for them, but where do I draw the line? Where do I say “This has to stop, I can’t give anymore”?

Now I know I’ve only given the example of The Republican. The fact that she is a Republican is the ONLY reason I’m shining the negative spotlight on her. I love and adore her and will always be there for her and she knows this. So allow me this self-indulgent moment to address my friends.

To my friends:

I am lucky to have you in my life. I’m a thankful you are there. I will be there for you if you ever need me. I will listen when you truly need me. I will drop what I’m doing to laugh at you when you are in jail or have fallen down drunk. I will give you the clothes off my back.* Every once in a while though, call me, ask me to a movie, ask me to dinner, the theatre, the beach, a friend’s party. While we’re doing this, lets not hash through drama and crisis. Lets enjoy each other’s company and respectfully interact with each other. Lets talk over a bottle of wine, or a few beers. Take the time to get to know me, who I am, what makes me tick, because that’s what I’m doing with you. I’m learning about who you are, what makes you the person you are, how you got to be so amazing and why you comb your hair that way.

I’m not perfect, I’m a sucker alot of the time too. Everyone needs to have someone to lean on and listen to them. I’m asking for a little more give and take. From both sides.

*Hugo Boss suit excluded