The energy around me has been changing the past few months, or rather, I’ve finally figured out what that energy is. Negativity.

Thanks to my chat yesterday with Anonymous Padre, I’ve realized what has been eating away at me for such a long time. Since I moved to Chicago, my long-term friendships have become stale and strained. Perhaps not on the surface, but deep down, I do not find the warmth and joy of these friendships as rewarding as I once did. On the surface, everything is fine. We talk daily, we keep up with each other’s lives, or rather, I keep up with theirs, and we truly care about each other’s well-being. Yesterday I realized that I’ve stopped sharing my deeper feelings with my friends because, for the most part, they don’t ask about them.

When I lived in California and I would spend time with my friends, there was no hiding my feelings because my face is too expressive for my own good. If you look into my eyes, you’ll see the very fires that light my soul or the deep blue of my ever present struggle with depression. Take away the face-to-face interaction and I become very good at hiding the true nature of my life.

While discussing all this with AP, he said the words I’ve been afraid to utter for myself. “You’re lonely” he said, and as I wiped the tears from my cheeks, I realized that he was right. I have friends, I have acquaintances and activity partners, but I’ve never been this lonely before.

I’ve been hesitant to publish this post because my long-distance friends read this almost daily looking for little tid-bits of humor and a window into my day-to-day existence. I don’t want to get telephone calls from them all of the sudden concerned about me, asking me why I’ve never mentioned this before. They know that I go through life for the most part oblivious to my emotions until they flare up and demand to be dealt with.

Top all of this off with the fact that my circle of friends in Chicago is not the most supportive or sane. I’ve been wondering why I’ve become so incredibly negative in my thoughts of late, and while shopping with friends this weekend, I sort of disengaged from the group and watched them interacting with each other and with strangers. At the end of the shopping trip, as we headed to the garage to get the car, not one person offered to help with the $25.00 parking fee. Its not that I needed the money, or even would have accepted it, but it would have been nice if something was offered.

So what do I do? How do I put myself and my needs in a position to have them met without being selfish or self-centered? How do I balance between giving everything of myself with giving nothing of myself?