I bought myself flowers tonight while shopping for a few essentials at Trader Joe’s. I’m working on taking better care of myself emotionally as well as physically.

I’ve been in the dumps for close to 10 years and its finally caught up to me with a vengeance. I tried running away to a bright new future by coming here to Chicago 4 years ago not realizing that the very thing that brought me here is ultimately what is causing all the anxiety and depression in my life. Namely : Work

I could give excuses or point the blame elsewhere, but in reality, it was all my own doing, or rather, undoing starting in High School, where I realized that I was different (c’mon, you guys know that I’m a big homo, right?). Instead of embracing this aspect of fabulousness, I was ashamed. I thought I was dirty, sick, sinful, and disgusting and turned all those feelings inward trying to correct this thing about me that wasn’t right. I was overly critical of myself. Nothing was good enough. My once stellar grades started to fall and I discovered the delightfully numbing joys of alcohol and marijuana.

Growing up, I’ve always been obsessed with steamships, ocean liners, and cruise ships. I could, and probably still can, name the year, size, and passenger configuration of almost every single passenger liner built between the years of 1903 and 1967 when for all intensive purposes the building of ships ceased due to the overpowering allure of the jet plane. I decided that I would design ships. Glamorous ships that would recapture the imagination of the public and bring them back to the waters.

I went so far as to apply for a spot at the Merchant Marine Academy in New York as a Naval Architect all while listening to my mother and father harping on me that there wouldn’t be a future in it and that I should consider being a pilot or an air traffic controller - having long ago given up on the dream of me following in my father’s footsteps as an aircraft mechanic. I begged and pleaded with them to let me try, that this would make me happy. In their effort to dissuade me, they allowed me to travel to the academy for a tour and orientation visit, while dropping doubts and negatives in my ear thruout the entire visit.

I gave up the fight. They had convinced me that I wouldn’t want to sit at a desk all day drawing, that I was more social and needed to be working in a more social environment. As a consolation, I signed up to my father’s alma matter in the field of Transportation, Travel and Tourism Management. What exactly this degree meant was that I could run a travel agent or work in the travel and tourism field. The transportation portion involved one course titled “logistics”.

I figured, if I couldn’t design the grand new liners I envisioned, then I would do the next best thing and Julie McCoy them.

Jump ahead to the summer of 1990 and my move to the San Francisco Bay Area, having just graduated from college and being stuck at home in a forced labor camp situation needing an escape. I kept asking my brother for help until he finally relented and invited me out to SF. While I was there, I saw an advertisement in the newspaper for a passenger service agent with Japan Airlines and applied using his address.

Long story short, Japan Airlines offered me the other job opening in the Cargo division, starting my long and sometimes less–than-illustrious career in the field of Logistics.

I’ve worked the past 15 years in an industry that I’ve never had an interest in, that I’m extremely knowledgeable about, but ultimately completely indifferent to.

In addition to the flowers, I called my shrink and asked for a refill for my anti-depression medication to help me thru the rough patch that I’m expecting to happen as I switch gears and begin the task of overhauling my entire life.

I think its time to be good to myself and do something that will allow me a more rewarding and happier existance. If not, there is always Starbucks.