What do you believe in?

This question has been asked of me quite a bit the last few days and weeks by various people and I’m not sure I know how to answer it. I’ve never given too much thought to this question until recently. It seems that there was a time I believed in something, but lately, it feels more like I’m floating thru life aimlessly looking for purpose.

My terror-pist and I discussed this in our last session and its left me rather stumped. It seems that I’m always looking for answers to my needs and wants outside of myself. If only, I lived back in California, if only I had a job I felt more comfortable in, if only somebody would love me and let me love them in return, if only. I keep hearing that the answers I seek are within me but have no idea where to look (are they behind the spleen or in front of the lungs) or how to begin that process. One of the reasons I started this blog was to search for meaning in my existence, the other reasons were to become an internationally adored superstar, and attain great wealth. (FYI, I’m still waiting for those to happen.)

I keep myself so busy avoiding everything and maintaining secrecy in my life and in who I am, that very few people have any idea of the true me. TLBO, I know you have a grasp, but how long did it take for you to get thru my defenses? How many people can truly say that they know the essence of who I am? I think I can count them on one hand. I’ve always kept my true self such a secret from everyone for fear of losing them once they got to know that I’m really a scared little dorky kid trapped in a large man’s body begging for the world to stop long enough for me to catch my breath and get my bearings. A small boy hoping that someone, anyone would put me first for a change, that someone would save me from whatever it is that I’ve created for myself through passive inaction.

In many ways, my life has fallen into place without much struggle on my part, that is, until recently. I gave up in seventh grade. I stopped actively caring about what would happen to me. I gave up on my dreams when I realized that they didn’t matter in the world I lived in at that time and couldn’t for the life of me conceptualize anything different.

My education and career happened without much input from me. My college was my father’s Alma matter and my first job fell into my lap because of the name of the degree on my diploma, and the fact that I was a Caucasian replacing an outgoing Caucasian in a Japanese company. I’ve been helped several times by women who saw something in me that I have a difficult time seeing. Tina got me out of Japan Air Lines. CD got me out of my desk job in operations, Kathy was the best cheerleader and motivator I’ve ever known and Shirley got me set up where I am now, at a time when I was close to being unemployed again.

Had it not been for these amazing women, I have no idea where my life would be now. This is a sad and pathetic realization. I’ve allowed others to determine my fate without much input, without striving towards anything, but rather fleeing something that was further proof that I was on the wrong track. Now, 15 years later, with a wealth of knowledge about an industry I have no passion or interest in, I’m in a quandary as to what to do next.

I know I need a change, but I still struggle with my demons. I struggle with allowing myself the courage to dream and visualize a better life for myself. I struggle with finally letting go of the pain and the negativity that has hampered me my entire life and embracing the amazing person that I know I can be, filled with hope and passion.