This weekend was the annual Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Pride Festival and Parade in Chicago and I decided I’d have none of it. Even though RuPaul was performing at the festival, I would neither support nor attend this event.

“Why?” you may ask.

Other than the obvious answer, that large gatherings of “the Gays” makes me uncomfortable, I’ve gotten tired of the hypocrisy of it all. The big businesses that advertise in our parade eager to partake in our supposed large disposable incomes but can never quite step up when it comes time to speak up for us. The politicians that ride in the cars waving happily to the crowd of onlookers knowing that if push comes to shove its going to be the gay issues that get swept under the carpet when things get prickly.

Now, on the surface, these may not seem like reasons to avoid the biggest gay party of the year and they probably aren’t. I’m sure I’ll be accused of being an internalized “homophobe” or a bitter old queen. In truth, I’m neither. What I am is tired. Tired of being second-class citizens in a country slipping further into theocracy while people in power speak out of both sides of their mouth. Tired of being useful to big business because studies have shown we have large disposable incomes. Tired of the drugs and alcoholism that plague the community. Tired of the feeling that, as one of “the gays” I should want to “fit in” with the rest of society.

If Gay Pride were truly about being prideful, then it shouldn’t occur one weekend a year. It should occur every single day in the actions I take and the decisions I make. I’m not proud of a community that is full of infighting and petty arguments.

Have you ever served on a mainly gay committee? Unless there is the cool, calm head of a lesbian or two, nothing will ever get done. We can never agree to anything. Never compromise for the greater good.

Maybe its just where I am in my life, maybe its because I forgot to take my medication on Saturday, but I’m not proud of my peoples. I’m sad for us. I’m sad that the drugs are killing more and more people. I sad that bare-backing and unsafe sex has become the norm (I’m guilty of this on occasion as well). I’m sad that we don’t care enough about each other and ourselves to come together to accomplish great things. I’m sad that we lost entire generations of people. I’m sad that our leaders, our elders, and our mentors are either dead, out of touch with reality, or simply too tired of being ignored. I’m sad that the pride festival is just another opportunity to get drunk and high in the streets and have a good time.

If you looked for me in the crowds, you didn’t see me. I was home, sitting on my back porch, remembering what Pride truly means to me. To me, it means honoring those that come before, grieving those that have passed, understanding there is more to be done, but most of all, Pride is about rejoicing, not in being Gay, but in being an individual that will not be pushed into the corners. I look to the drag queens of Stonewall, tired of the injustice and harassment, rising up against the forces of oppression and taking back their freedom. Taking what was is rightfully ours. Taking back their dignity.

When “the Gays” as a community decides to follow the lead of those pissed off drag queens and fight back against injustice and discrimination, then and only then will you see me in the ranks of the cheering masses along the lines of the parade. We miss you Judy.