I often wonder about my past and its affects on my present and future. I wonder when I look back at my actions if there is anybody out there that can truly understand me and still be able to love me for me. (Bad spelling and all “jm”) Somebody that can accept my many years of drug use and my less than common sexual practices.

I’m often nervous when I meet somebody new that I’m interested in getting to know better. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard the words “I’m probably not as wild as you’re used to”, or “ I’m interested, but you’ll have to teach me some of the more intense stuff”.

It saddens me to think that I come with pre-conceived notions of who I am, based on my past experiences and actions. Notions that are not even close to actual. Have I been that foolish to think that I’d find somebody that would be able to look past all that crap cluttering my past and see the real person underneath? Have I assumed that there is a valiant knight to rescue me from loneliness and pain?

The one thing that stands out in my memory of coming out to my mother was her statement that she was afraid I’d have a lonely life, that I’d always be alone. The more time that passes, the more I see can see the basis for her worry.

Then to be attacked by my own family on my own web site, fills me with something I cannot even describe. I’m sad that my sister-in-law found it necessary to slam me in such a way. I’ve always liked her and tried to stand up for her in the many family conversations that have occurred over the years she’s been married to my brother.

Sad indeed.

Maybe it is the change of life that is happening that is making me think this way. Maybe it’s all because of my mother (if you believe the comment posted yesterday), or maybe it’s just that I’m growing up and starting to take responsibility for my own actions and how they’ve affected my life. Maybe I’m wondering where I’m culpable in my situation. Maybe I’m finally asking the questions that I’ve avoided for so long. Maybe I’m starting to feel strong enough to not care what other, less open-minded people think.

I’m concerned. I’m concerned about my future and my new start in the Pacific Northwest. I’m concerned this move will prove that it is all me after all; that I am fundamentally flawed and not lovable.

However, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I’m running away from something. I’m ready to stand and face my demons, be they family or stranger. I’m ready to feel good about myself again regardless of what anybody else tells me.I say this. Bring it biyatch!