I was talking with TLBO earlier this evening about some items of a personal nature and he referenced the episode of Seinfeld where there was this sexual “thing” that you do that makes you stand out, but nobody will ever mention it because to mention it would be to curse it and risk not experiencing it again.

I have such a “thing” and I know exactly where I learned it. Mind you, it doesn’t always work like a charm, but 9 times out of 10 it will make them come back for more. And that is what started the conversation with TLBO in the first place.

I have a bad habit of making straight men gay. Since I’ve moved to Chicago, I’ve had the unfortunate timing to be involved with a few closeted married men that were about to bust out of the closet, and did just that while on my watch. I feel for them, I really do; but this trend is a tad troubling. I’m starting to think that I really am a home wrecker after all.

Caution all married men that read this. I will do that “thing” I do and you’ll never be satisfied with your wife again. I’m sorry. I don’t mean for this to happen. It was a gift that I picked it up in the first place. It was fate that I was talented enough to perfect it.

What is this “thing” I’m referring to? I can’t tell you. But I can tell you this. I have been called on it once, and that was not pretty.

Many years ago, I met a man in San Francisco that was very into leather and bondage and more or less started me on this current path of my sexual journey. I won’t go into details, except to say that he left an indelible image on my brain that is always good to call on when things need a little mental “lift”. We’ve enjoyed several sweaty romps over the years and still keep in contact and share fond memories of our times together. In fact, a few weeks ago, we caught up with each other again, and he listed me in his top 5 of all time. (“Maybe even top two,” he added at the end) All because of that “thing” I do.

Here is where it gets tricky. My ex, the person that taught me the “thing” without actually teaching me, was fortunate enough to spend some sweaty romp time with the same gentleman in San Francisco a few years after me. During the post-sexual cigarette break said man from San Francisco commented that only one other person in his life had ever done anything similar and it blew his mind. My ex knew immediately that he was referring to me and couldn’t wait to get out of there to call me. Let me tell you, that was a hell of an interesting telephone call.

So if you are ever in my bed, and I do that “thing” you may not know that I’m actually doing it, but you’ll never forget it. To all the wives out there, please accept my apology. I always send them home to you, its not my fault I’m better.