by Me.

Several weeks ago, Tom invited me to a little shopping excursion to the outlet malls of Northwestern Indiana in hunt of economically priced cookware. Ever since returning with new cookware (really good stuff) I’ve taken up the hobby of cooking and now, I’d like to share with you, my tens of readers, a quick lesson on how to cook. My way.

Begin by settling onto the couch in front of your favorite television program to enjoy a quiet evening at home. Moments later, your bitch downstairs neighbor begins her regular “garage band practice” in her apartment, effectively eliminating your quiet enjoyment of your favorite television program.

The next and most important step is to fix a cocktail. (Preferably a Martini, Gin, with 3 blue-cheese stuffed olives.)

Once you have your martini fixed, remove your stereo speakers from the shelves and lay them face down on the floor. Choose appropriate music (I recommend the deep base effects of the Pet Shop Boys and/or a combination of Erasure, The Killers and Franz Ferdinand.) Turn on your stereo and adjust the speakers accordingly loud enough to drown out any noise from the apartment below. (Add 50% more volume for effect)

Remove food to be cooked from the refrigerator and let sit on the counter for 5-10 minutes to take the chill off the food and allow better cooking. Add 2-3 tablespoons of olive oil to a pan and bring to a heat. While the oil is heating, season the pork chops with fresh cracked pepper, salt and my favorite “mixed Italian herbs”. Once the oil has reached a high enough temperature, slowly place the seasoned pork chop into the oil with tongs.

Sear the meat on one side for 4-5 minutes covered.

Place your frozen side vegetable into a microwave safe bowl and heat on high for 3-4 minutes or until cooked.

Turn the pork chops. Let cook for 2-3 minutes.

Pour small amount of red wine into skillet. Once you realize that you poured in too much wine, remove from flame and ladle or spoon the excess wine out of the skillet until the right amount remains and return to heat.

Answer door. When downstairs neighbor complains about noise, remark how horribly annoying it must be for her and promptly slam door.

Remove skillet from flame.

With spatula, scrap the now burned pork chop from the bottom of the pan and place neatly on a plate for serving. Remove the once frozen side dish, (now over-cooked), mix a small pat of butter into and mix until butter is melted.

Spoon onto plate.

Enjoy.