It’s been about a month now since I stopped taking my anti-depressant medication and I feel alive again. I had forgotten what it felt like to honestly feel and have healthy thought processes. I can understand things better without the blanket of drugs covering everything with a downy soft insulation dulling my senses.

I decided to stop partly because I have always hated prescription drugs not taken for recreational purposes, and partly because of my ever growing paranoia that our big brother government is in cahoots with big business and the pharmaceutical companies to control our brains and make us very pliant sheep to their evil ways.

Ok, well maybe I don’t actually believe that, but it would be scandalous if that was what was going on wouldn’t it…

I stopped, partly because of that recreational use of prescription drugs mentioned above, and partly because I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I was living in an emotional void. I didn’t care if I ate or felt the love of a wet nose pressed against my leg wanting affection. I was, for all intensive purposes, in an emotional coma. As the drugs slowly exit my system, I realize that I started them, again for the 3rd time, because I was unhappy with my position in my life. I’m struggling in a job I don’t 100% love, I’m alone and I’m unhappy. So instead of looking at the core of those problems and taking steps to change things for a different life, I chose the pharmaceutical way out and took 2 pills a day to numb whatever feelings I was experiencing. I can’t hide behind a haze of drugs to avoid that which isn’t pleasant.

I’m not saying my life is hell or that I need sympathy or even that I’m asking for you to send me cash (though I wouldn’t turn down the offer). I’m saying that I haven’t been happy with my life for many years and that instead of hiding; I need to change things, to work towards making my life how I want it to be.

At the young tender age of 36, I think I have finally realized that this life that I’m living is mine. It’s not my family’s, it’s not my boss’ and it’s not the closed-minded, two-faced hateful people that I’ve been avoiding with such gusto.

Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. I guess I should make some changes to re-direct my life into a more positive direction. That took too much out of me to just realize that. I think I’ll go shopping and start those life changing sessions tomorrow.