I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately. Namely my own. Not in a morbid, I wanna kill myself kind of way; more in a what will happen kind of way. Many times, more than I can count, I visualize the moment of my death. The violent auto accident, the drive-by shooting and the knife-wielding mugger are all common visualizations that spice up an otherwise dull moment and get my mind going again. These visualizations are often more graphic than Hollywood, with its special effects would be capable of creating. I can almost feel the crush of the metal as it breaks my body, freeing my spirit from my human prison, all while I sit, immobilized by rush hour traffic. I surprise myself with the details my idling mind can create to make each visualization more horrific and graphic than the last time. Often, these flashes of destruction and chaos will capture my imagination for the briefest of times while other times, I escape into the rich, vibrant awfulness of it all, wondering what the corpse would look like, who would come to the funeral, would my family find my porn stash.

Its moments like this that causes me to pause and take stock in my life. To examine my relationships and hold a spotlight of truth to my world and my life. This afternoon, I heard an interview, with formerly fat Star Jones where she was discussing her book and her search for a man. Her words stung. She described holding up a list of what she wanted in a partner to the mirror next to her and realized that she had no right to ask for what she could not offer. I wondered what I had to offer an intimate partner. I know I give good head, ok great head, but what else can I truly offer another person? No, really, I give damn good head. Memorably good head.

But the question that keeps haunting me is “why?” A simple word, a simple question, yet not a simple answer. Why, when the pain of existence is so great, do we get up everyday and go out into the world to keep trying? Why, when you feel so alone do you keep striving to find someone to share your time with? Why do you continue to do the things you know will bring you further unhappiness? Why?

I think I lost my train of thought…

I wonder, from time to time, what keeps lighting that spark of life energy that keeps us going. What is it that picks us up, dusts us off, cheers us up, and pushes us back into the game? I often wonder why I keep going. A big reason is that I really don’t want to leave Stella all alone, or worry that she’s not taken care of. But other than that, what is it that keeps me going? The daily struggles definitely aren’t what keep getting me up in the morning.

Now don’t take this post as a suicide watch, or exploration, cause its not. I’m not even close to the point where suicide would be intriguing to me. I’m merely wondering what force pushes us on.

I’d welcome some feedback from you, my tens of readers, as to what your thoughts are on this topic. Without being stereotypical and telling me that your husband, wife, family or God keep you going, I’d like to know if you’ve ever thought about this, and what your discoveries might be. Share with my your views, if you would be so kind. Have you ever wondered, while walking down the street, with no real destination or purpose what is it that is moving you forward?

The human mind is truly an amazing thing, capable of so much and yet corralled by society and the struggle to survive. Maybe that is my answer. Could it be that that spark that keeps me going is that I haven’t figured it out yet? The mind. The game of life. The purpose for being here. The answers to the riddles that twist my thoughts and hold my emotions captivated.

Anyway… share some words with me.