wednesday wank
I have a new policy that I’m putting in place today regarding the mildly popular Wednesday Wank. If the photo is not exactly work safe, you’ll need to click on MORE to see it once you’re in a discrete location. Today’s is work safe even though I’ve added the MORE link, just to demonstrate the new policy. Enjoy (more…)
October 30, 2007
celebrity talk-show and variety hour.
Last night I was very happy to welcome a current political superstar into my celebrity dream club. President and Senate-ress Clinton stopped in to give my new Celebrity talk show and variety hour a little boost in the ratings. (not that it needed it, being the top rated talk show in the world)
I didn’t even realize I had an all-star celebrity talk show and variety hour until last night while I was pacing backstage waiting to go on. I was drinking herbal tea and twisting the prayer beads I had taken to wearing around my wrist, obviously distraught over something when I literally bumped into Mr. President and Senate-ress Clinton. I must say, in person, he was even more handsome than I ever imagined and it immediately struck me that he could have done a whole lot better than that fat chick in the cheap Gap dress and the beret. The man oooozed charm. But it was Hillary that piqued my interest. In the darkness of the backstage she looked a little like something out of a horror film Mel Brooks would direct. Her eyes were slightly bugged out and her make up was pancake-like and beginning to crack from the stresses of her busy day.
Seeing that I was in a state, Hil (we already had nicknames for each other, I won’t share what she was calling me these days) pulled me aside and sat me down for a little private chat.
“________” she said, “what has gotten into you. You’re a mess tonight.”
“Oh! I don’t know Hil, I guess I’m worried and disgusted at the same time and I can’t seem to get my head around everything it needs to get around”
“You mean like your lips around a fat dick?” joked Hil.
“This is serious Hil”
“I’m sorry ________, tell me what’s wrong”
“I’m worried about the state of politics today”, I said, “I’m disgusted with the tactics you guys are using just to get elected. I like to consider myself an average American. You know, even with this celebrity talk show and variety hour, I’m still the average kinda guy that looks at internet porn and watches hours of mindless television, and with all of that is going on in my life, I still find the time to quickly browse the news on the left-leaning blogs. I’m certain that I know how much money your campaign has to the dime, but what about issues? I don’t think a single person has talked about the issues facing this country. Even more so, I don’t believe that a single candidate will honestly follow through with anything they promise to do, instead opting to follow the directions of their wealthy and corporate donors.”
Hil grabbed my hand with her rough sandpapery hands and started to rub gently. I quickly considered withdrawing my hands until I realized the abrasive qualities of her course skin would do wonders for exfoliation.
“You can’t take everything so seriously ______, this country can withstand a lot, hell look at what its withstood the past 7 years/”
I stood up, catching a glimpse of bill in the corner making out with my make-up artist, and turned to face Hil. “America used to be an innovator, we used to steal ideas, concepts, products and political thought from other countries and improve upon those very things. We were even better than the Japanese at this and their entire culture is based on this concept. But what are we innovating now? Corruption, and greed are all that I see, corruption and greed…” At this point I broke down into sobs and fell to my knees in front of her.
Through my tears, I hear the announcer to my wildly popular celerity talk show and variety hour call my name to introduce me to my own show. I rose to my feet, glared at Hil, squared my shoulders, planted a smile of serenity and happiness onto my face and strode on stage to give the best performance of my career. It was the day my wildly popular celebrity talk show and variety hour made the 6-o’clock news for the first time. I was the lead story.
October 28, 2007
commercials
I love watching commercials now. It seems that during every commercial break I learn the name of yet another unknown, and highly problematic new disease and or ailment. Restleg leg syndrome must be a huge issue for Americans, there are now at least 2 major ad campaigns seeking to eradicate the troublesome symptoms.
Its no wonder our health care system is broken. They’re spending all the money on advertisements instead of health.
October 27, 2007
history 2.0
I’m reading a very interesting book right now titled “Lies My Teach Told Me” which breaks down high school history textbooks and reveals, with excellent primary references, how American high school kids are being taught half-truths and all-out lies about the history of America and our leaders. From the origins of the first “settlers” to Woodrow Wilson and Helen Keller the misinformation is staggering.
As I’ve been reading this book, it is helping to open my eyes to the current state of affairs of this country. The racism, the nationalism, and the very facts that our government is behaving in a manner that shocks the majority of Americans, yet nothing is being done to stop it. If our children are not being taught true history, are not being given access to the various theories and sides to each tale, are not being taught how to form an opinion on their own, how can we expect them to have an opinion about current events?
The inner conspiracy theorist in me is having a field day with these thoughts. The no-child-left-behind act plays into this sort of education perfectly. All kids need to do is pass a test, get a good grade and graduate. Where do kids learn how to make an informed decision if they are not taught to question our own history? Why must we whitewash our own story? Our founders and famous were human beings, filled with faults and yet we gloss them over, or flat out avoid them and place them on a pedestal.
So, on behalf of the un-educated Americans that will never consider the past actions of America, the Puritans, and the founding fathers, I apologize for the shitty things the forefathers perpetrated on your people. The Native Americans, the Africans and the Hispanics were treated horribly, in a uniquely American manner. No other land based slavery on race prior to America. The details, which have disappeared from mainstream history, should be returned to the story. Teach the children how things progressed so they can understand why they feel and act and believe the way they do. Let them understand the conflicts and the solutions and the alternatives not taken.
Let the young of this land heal the hatred.
The wine glass is empty, so I end for now.
October 24, 2007
wednesday wank
October 23, 2007
I’m thinking…
I’m thinking of riding again this June. Not sure that I’ll be able to raise the money to do it though. My life is a lot different today that it was 9 years ago when I rode the last time.
October 22, 2007
in living color
The sun setting behind the coastal range tonight was beautiful as I drove home from work. The full spectrum of colors only possible in nature took away the pains of sitting in the slow moving traffic and the urgency with which I needed to get home to walk Stella. She’d been in the house all day and it was now going on 7:00pm, a good two hours past her normal walk time. But the colors. My god the colors were spectacular.
Once I arrived home, to the excitement only a pet can ever truly provide, I quickly shucked the work clothes and grabbed a pair of jeans and the leash and we were off on our walk. The sun had set, but the sky was still awash with the fading colors and the reflection of the smooth as glass canal beside my apartment complex was exactly what I needed to decompress today.
I’ve been working pretty hard and anybody that knows me or has followed this blog will know… that is a completely unheard of concept in my world for the past few years. I come home exhausted most every night, mind numb from all the plates I must keep spinning and the thing about my job is that the harder I work, the more work I create for myself, so this is only going to get worse. Then again, the more I work, the easier the work I must do becomes. I am learning the processes, the contacts and the inner workings of this huge corporation the employs me.
I’m happier than I’ve been in quite some time. Traffic still sucks, people still don’t know how to drive, I still hate the cold-call aspect of my job, but the sky is bright, the sun shines, the mountains are filled with beauty, the bay, the canal, the hot shirtless men, the open mindedness of this area is so much more inline with the inner workings of me as a person. I don’t mind trudging through the traffic hell here because the natural beauty of the landscape offers me moments of escape as I sit idling in my car choking on the fumes of the Mercedes and BMW’s next to me.
Tonight, I felt like writing. I’ve been craving the outlet for some time, but have been so brain-dead when I get home that it’s been couch time, then bed for the last month or so.
I think I’m getting the hang of this “work” thing. My intelligence levels have been through the roof lately. I’m like getting all smart n shit… well; thank god I can fake dumb.
