a way out of the dark
One of the common themes on my little blog here is my dissatisfaction with my career choices made throughout my life. I sort of fell into the line of work I’ve been at for the last oh, err, um, 18 years or so. I’ve toyed with quitting it all and setting up a cheese store in the wilderness, but I could never go without my shiny new things and martinis made with just the right olives stuffed with the perfect blue, not to mention the disposable income that would allow me to purchase the perfect gin to base the martinis. (I’m still working my way down the top 10 martini gin list)
Today the post office delivered just the solution to my problems when they popped the Community Education (Fall/Winter 2008) catalogue into my mailbox. Flipping through the pages, I’m allowing myself to dream of new and exciting careers that can be learned for $39.00 per class (plus individual lab costs). So now the question is… which exciting vocation should I chose? Should it be something conservative and dependable like Accounting Fundamentals, or perhaps something cutting edge and dangerous like Graceful Hawaiian Hula or Belly Dance Fundamentals? Would “Drawing without fear” help to kick start my artistic aspirations and catapult me onto the world’s stage as a famous artist or should I focus on “Becoming a Mystery Shopper” to give me real world knowledge to enter into the espionage and spy business?
There are so many things I could learn and experience al for the low price of $39-$69 per class.
I think I’ll begin with “What Were You Born to Do?” That seems like a safe bet. Once I learn all about what I was born to do it should be much easier to figure out the best way out of my passionless existence and, according to the class notes, “make a unique contribution to humanity…” like… “Elvis, Oprah and Einstein…”
July 24, 2008
fighting fat with technology
its true… i’m fat.
i was turned on to this site this morning… so i’m going to give it a try.
July 23, 2008
wednesday wank
July 22, 2008
de-railed
There is something deeply lacking that I just can’t put my fingers on. I sit here day after day, in a daze surfing the Internet, watching TV, walking the dog, working, hanging out with friends and keeping in contact with family. I do enough to get by, but not enough to shine. I know it is in me, but I haven’t been able to connect with that drive for so very long and I’m not sure how to tap into it anymore.
When something doesn’t feel right in my life, and I cannot connect the dots, it throws me for a loop and prohibits me from the simplest of tasks. Laundry, dishes and housework suffer. The dishes pile up in the sink, the laundry disappears from the hangers and reappears in piles on the floor of my closet. I spend inordinate amounts of time mindlessly surfing the internet hook-up sites with no intention of actually hooking up, dreaming of that next hot man touching me, caressing me, but not really wanting to put forth the effort to make it happen. I read the left-leaning blogs and news sites dreaming of the day that the Democrats grow a spine and a set of balls and hold the president accountable for his war crimes and throw him and his entire administration into the same torturous prisons he’s subjected so many people to without fair trials. Let him experience what he’s doled out and see if he calls it torture then. Let him sit and rot in prison for 7 years without a trial or access to counsel or habeas corpus.
I get angry at my life, my friends, the world and myself when I cannot figure out what is bothering me. I get angry at the state of things I have no control over… and true to form, even with my unlearning and all those years of therapy, my upbringing taught me to suppress this feeling of confusion and anger and put on a smiling happy face.
I’m stuck and I know it. I’ve made so many bad decisions and choices that have piled up over the years that I don’t know how to right myself and point myself in a direction that would make me happy.
I moved back to the bay area thinking I would be happier and would make more money, and though I am happier out here than I was in Chicago, there are parts of Chicago and people there that I miss terribly. I miss my Saturday mornings at The Salt n Pepper with Tom; I miss the Sunday mornings sitting with Stella in Andersonville watching the world go by without a care.
When your life is so far off direction that you don’t even remember the dreams you once had for yourself and you take solace in whatever little joys you can manage, how do you get yourself back on track?
July 10, 2008
input / output
its that time again. i’ve been itching for new ink for a while now, but i’m having a hard time narrowing down the list of concepts for my left sleeve tattoo. I’d like to have something that pulls together all of my current concepts and covers up the little cartoon buzzard i settled on to be my second piece.
Currently, i have four pieces.
-Natasha (of Rocky & Bullwinkle fame) holding a lit bomb and a poisoned martini
-Beaky the Buzzard (of Bugs Bunnny fame)
-Laundry care instructions
-Joan Miro’s “Hirondelle/Amour”
A few ideas floating through my head include, but are not limited to:
-A very art neuvo styled vine and flowers swirling around
-A graphic novel styled depiction of something that means something to me.
-A miniature art gallery (miniature pieces covering the arm)
-Solid black
-Another Miro piece
See what i mean… too many concepts that i would love to see actualized on my flesh for me to choose the best one for me.
I’d love to collaborate with someone more artistically minded than i am, so if you have any ideas, please let me know what you think.
July 9, 2008
wednesday wank
July 4, 2008
absurdity
I’m struggling with keeping this blog or not. I haven’t been writing because so much has happened that I’m not sure how to update everything… and in a lot of ways, absolutely nothing has happened and I feel like I’ve made a big deal of moving back to the Bay Area without really changing my life all that much… at least not for the better, given the high cost of living here. I mean, if I was just going to move and continue doing the same things, I should have chosen a cheaper place to live. I could have moved to Biloxi or Chattanooga or some such place.
No, I chose to move to the Bay Area, so I suppose, I should get off my ass and get to it right.
But still, I struggle. Every day that I don’t update or post, I feel guilty. Guilty that I haven’t fed the voyeuristic expectations of my mostly non-existent readership. I realize also that I stopped writing because I wanted this blog to be fun and provide me an outlet for the craziness that dwells within me. How many times do I imagine things, words, activities, that make me stop what I’m doing just to laugh at the sheer silliness or stupidity of the thought? Each day? Too many to count.
I’m an absurdist and I believe that life is best lived in the realm of the absurd. Life is definitely more interesting when those mores forced on you by society are shunned and left on the wayside. Those mores that cause one to stop and consider how others will think about your appearance or behavior. So long as nobody is being hurt or laws are broken, then screw the mores of society. They’re fucked up anyway.
I cannot promise that I will write any more often, but I can promise that I will live my life even more absurdly than I currently do and that I will attempt to document it as only I can.