Posted in posts on November 18th, 2009 by Wade – Be the first to comment
i’m in the midst of a depression both emotionally and financially. I know what’s causing both, which is something that brings me a little relief.
In years past, I would struggle with the reasons behind both. I would never be able to look at my spending habits, identifying the unneeded luxury goods purchased as a source of concern. I would wonder why my money just didn’t seem to last as long as it had previous months. Now, however, I can clearly track the moment that I’ve gone off budget, splurging on something unnecessary and scrambling to cover expenses the remainder of the month. I’ve gotten quite good at it over the years. With the help of my man and his education in finance, we’ve put together a plan, alas a budget, that will allow me to live within my means, while at the same time helping me to put a little into savings each month and paying down my debt in a timely manner.
The other, the emotional depression, is harder to fix. The relationships developed over decades slipping off track into unknown territory, the family responsibilities in the back of my mind, my future, my present, my own mistakes and the faintly flickering dreams once so vivid in my youth slipping out of reach forever.
Now that I’ve hit my 40’s and my self-imposed deadline is looming in the near future I’m realizing that there are things I once wanted to accomplish so desperately. There are so many things I wanted to see, to do, to feel, to experience left unseen, undone and unfelt. It isn’t all bad. I’m in a better place today than I was 3 years ago and an even better space than I was a decade ago… but what about the space I was in 1990 when I first arrived in the Bay Area filled with hopes and dreams (and illegal drugs)? I am in a relationship with a man that I love and that loves me. I’ve got the best pet on the planet and I’m not unemployed, homeless, or unhealthy (with the exception of my diet).
So I ask…
Is it possible to teach an old dog new tricks? Is it possible to shake things up in such a manner that it could take years for stability to resurface? Is it possible to improve upon relationships, and responsibilities that already exist and make them more efficient, more meaning, more intimate and ultimately more rewarding?
